Going to the dentist

I don't want to put the dental industry out of business, but to save time and pain there could be a number you call every six months that tells you to floss. Or they could text a reminder that I should be more gentle when I brush.  (So why do they get an ice pic and go Dahmer on my mouth?)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Earth Day

Yes, every day should be Earth day. Even the dumbest denier wouldn't burn tires in their house, so maybe we should lighten up on the petroleum in our shared abode. Besides, it's time to move on. It's time to invest in industry that builds a bridge to a cleaner future...instead of one that buries men in West Virginia, creates earthquakes in Oklahoma, tethers us to terrorists in the Middle East, has the Pentagon on edge and most certainly leaves our kids with a shittier place than we found it.

Earth Day Kids

When my younger son gets mad he's a little like Jerry Stiller's character from Seinfeld (George Costanza's dad.) He shouts in all-caps crazy to articulate simple things like "I KNOW 3 + 4 IS 7" and "QUIN IS LOOKING AT ME." Quin is the older brother and has played a large role in turning his brother into an occasional mad man.

Here's a recent, real-life example:

Quin: Today is Earth Day.

Otto: Every day is Earth Day.

Quin: No, Otto, today is Earth Day.

Otto: My teacher said that every day is Earth Day.

Quin: No it's Earth Day. One day.


And I think having an angry child shouting that at people would be an effective campaign.

Matinee Fatinee

We saw Paddington Bear today. It was in the cheap theaters, which meant for the two boys and myself we paid only 9 bucks. That's really reasonable mostly because a regular theater is so very not reasonable. What a psychological victory for commerce: you typically pay 40 dollars so anything else seems like a steal. I've rented new movies online for $9.99, and while that makes even the heady days of Blockbuster seem like a miser's dream, I'm comforted that I'm not getting fiscally molested by a teenager at the Cinemark.

 Loved Paddington as a kid. Not even sure why, but he seemed so chill and comfortable.

Loved Paddington as a kid. Not even sure why, but he seemed so chill and comfortable.

They nailed us on the snacks though. Two packs of Sour Patch Kids, a soda and popcorn = 20.00. It is really weird that we consent to paying that. I mean I've hovered over the buy button for a pair of pants that cost less than that. I've balked at donated fewer dollars to end malaria. END MALARIA. And I give twice that amount for a shot at tooth decay and intestinal regret. No, really, you can buy a mosquito net for less than ten bucks in a preventative measure that has proven to be the most effective way to save children's lives.

"That'll be $19.95, sir."

"Oh, wow, that must come with an erotic massage, but my kids are here so I'll just settle for something that's seven times its actual retail value."

The boys are some of the best movie watchers I've ever known. It all began when Quin was three and we took him to Toy Story III. We were worried that he'd be restless and, ultimately, mess up our movie experience. Two hours later he still sat stoically watching the cutting edge cartoon, while Sarah and I made strange nasal noises crying at the beautiful story that unfolded before us. It was the beginning of a movie Renaissance. After avoiding the theater for years, we were back. Otto learned from his brother and sits, unmoved, while his father has to climb over for dire pee breaks. We're worried Eliot won't be as cool about sitting for two hours, but she could surprise us.

Paddington, though, would make most kids wiggle. Our boys crushed it (can you go to hell for kid hubris?) but kids all over the theater were getting restless. It's not a bad movie; it's just not an animated thrill ride. The family ahead of us actually let their son play games on their phone. I mean if you're kid isn't going to watch the movie, then take off. Get out. Or does that mean if my kids get bored I can break out the yard games? Do NOT spill my twelve-dollar soda, but here's a pogo stick.