So below is Part 1. It rolls right into part two but, for the most part, part 2 has already been on the Internet. That's the one that Elon Musk liked and my Twitter feed went bonkers. And if you've never been on the receiving end of a bonkers Internet, wow, you are really missing out. The Internet, it turns out, is a typhoon of fucking crazy. I mean all the crazy swirled into spinning mass of the most maladjusted mofos you never thought you'd have to deal with. If you're bored, just scroll through some of the comments on this video. If you're lucky, you'll find the one where the woman thinks my kids are actually Musk's kids and it's all a fake. I may sue for paternity pay.
But here's part 1. I don't recommend it as compared to part 2 (which comes right after 1.) It's mostly just me wrestling with the fact that my car's smarter than me...and apparently my dog. He knows how to roll down power windows and he's so proud of himself that he won't stop doing it.
"Oh, so you got a fancy new car and we're supposed to care?"
Yeah. Yes, actually, that's much of it.
You see, I've never been into cars. I get $1500 Subarus off Craig's List and call it good. And then...in 2013 I test drove a Tesla Model S (as seen here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5Vq6...) and I fell in love.
“And we need to start curbing climate change like right freaking now.” -Not quoted anywhere in the article but every freaking pull quote from every article anywhere should just be this important mantra.”
Me and my gobsmacked boys ended up in the Tesla sales office and--once the final numbers were revealed--I had to save face and slowly sneak out. But it wouldn't end there. My son, at the time in kindergarten, told his teacher and all of his friends that we'd gotten a Tesla. I remember Mrs. Beecher (the teacher) asking if she could ever get a ride in our Tesla while I wondered what she was talking about. It was hard letting her down. But then the 3 was announced. I reserved one of the first few thousand in March of 2016. Actually, I reserved two. I got a little excited on the button. Thank you to the Tesla support team for helping me resolve that. So in June of 2018 Tesla got a hold of me and said it was ready. At the time I was as sick as I'd ever been in my life. I'd just sent my wife and kids on their own to the mountains of my childhood home of Gould, CO. They'd have to enjoy the hills without me. But getting this most amazing technological wonder righted my physical ship and I took enough Ibuprofen to stunt a horse. That's where we begin my journey.
Oh, and I couldn't leave the dogs behind so there's some canine/human tension. Paco and I have spent a lot of years together and, well, sometimes we bicker. I mean I can roll the window down too but i'm not a dick about it.